


Orange fleece

by darkmoore



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, First Kiss, M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 13:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4392968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmoore/pseuds/darkmoore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Rodney have a very weird conversation after movie night. Things come to light John didn't expect at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Orange fleece

**Author's Note:**

> I've written this months ago for cotton candy bingo I think for the prompt 'soulmates'. then I realized I'm bad at happy, fluffy fic and abandoned the bingo project and only now realized I never posted this fic. 
> 
> Thanks go to **Brumeier** **Taste_is_sweet** and **ca_pierson** for lots of love, encouragement and the best beta service there is. Ladies, I owe you one!

John had never believed in love at first sight. It was just such a ridiculous idea that, when it happened to him, he didn’t quite recognize it for what it was. Oh, he believed in lust at first sight, alright, but love? Not so much. To John, love was something that built over time, developed as people got to know each other – not something that could be conveyed by just one look. 

As it was, John had never felt the need to get philosophical about what love was and wasn’t. He just knew that in order to fall in love with someone it took more than good looks and the willingness to fall in bed with him. Besides, there was the fact that as far as the Air Force was concerned he tended to fall in love with the wrong half of the human population. 

John had accepted years ago that he wasn’t meant for real love and so he stuck to occasional sex with female partners who knew the rules up front: They could have fun together but his heart wasn’t ever going to be part of the deal. It worked well for him for years, all things considered. 

Until the day he sat down in a chair at a secret base and a guy in an orange fleece jacket told him, “Major, think about where we are in the solar system,” that was. John never quite figured out what exactly happened only that something was … different. 

Orange fleece guy was talking a mile a minute, hands soaring through the air agitatedly and blue eyes ablaze with excitement and curiosity. His voice did peculiar things to John’s stomach and the warmth that flooded him couldn’t be normal. John instantly blamed the glowy, whispery chair for it. Maybe it had fried his brain after all. There was no way in hell that the feelings he reluctantly identified as a mix between tenderness, longing and outright possessiveness were all his own. For fuck’s sake, he just met that guy. They hadn’t even been introduced yet and John could already imagine wrapping him up in his arms securely and falling asleep with him after a long day of work. 

John instantly felt ridiculous for even thinking along those lines. These were dangerous thoughts and John knew he would be better served by burying them as quickly and as deeply as possible. 

When they left for Atlantis a couple of months later, John was more determined than ever not to let his confusing new feelings influence his behavior towards one Dr. Rodney McKay.

* * *

John switched off the screen and put the empty bowl that had held the popcorn on the table. He and Rodney had agreed to do the clean up after team night. They’d watched the newest rom-com about soul-mates; a film they had specifically ordered after Teyla had told them that soul-mates were a well known, common occurrence with her people. On Earth the concept was fairly new and a lot of it was still being discovered now, two years of after the the first official statements had been made. As it was, the scientific community had been in uproar for months on end and John was eternally grateful he was so far away from Earth at the moment. The whole soul-mate concept made him seriously uncomfortable. 

Rodney was unnaturally silent while he picked up a few pillows from the floor and cleaned popcorn crumbs off the couch. “Hey buddy, you alright?” John asked, slightly worried by Rodney’s behavior. Rodney hadn’t made fun of the movie at all and John had thought it was out of respect for Teyla, who took the whole soul-mate topic very serious. Now, though, John wasn’t so sure any more. 

“Hm?” Rodney asked, distractedly, throwing a glance at John. He arranged the pillows on the couch and said, “I’m fine, just, you know … tired, I guess.” He made a gesture with his left hand that could have meant anything really and John frowned. He’d known Rodney for close to six years now and that was certainly not typical I’m-just-tired behavior for him at all. 

“You guess?” John echoed, not sure what to make of Rodney’s almost brooding attitude. “You telling me you don’t know if you’re tired or not? Come on Rodney…” John drew the name out, making it sound as if it had several syllables more, just to get a reaction out of his best friend. “First you don’t complain about the movie and now you’re going all … Stepford Wife on me, what with the cleaning and the …” John broke off, at a loss for words. 

Rodney was never this silent, never this … meek. Whenever he and Rodney shared clean up duty after team night there was much complaining about the scientific accuracy of the film in question and even more bitching about the mess left behind involved. Today there was neither. 

As if on cue Rodney suddenly slammed an empty soda can onto the glass table with more force than absolutely necessary. John flinched. Alright, maybe he should have kept his mouth shut. “What?”Rodney snapped, not calm any more at all. “What do you want me to say, John? You want me to say how stupid that girl was for pining after him? How she should have just … left it alone? Waited for it to pass? What? What is it?”

John stared at Rodney, completely taken by surprise by his outburst. Somehow they didn’t seem to be on the same page any more. John wasn’t even sure they were reading the same book, to be honest. What had Rodney so riled up about that movie all of a sudden? What had John said that made him snap? “Uh, Rodney-” John started but was interrupted. 

“No, John, no; I’m asking you. What was she supposed to do? Should she have ignored it, hoping it would go away? I tell you what – it won’t. It’s not going away and it sucks. Finding your soul-mate and then having them not admit or even recognize what’s happening sucks big time and it’s just … it’s just not fair …” he trailed off, all fight leaving him as he sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh. 

John’s eyebrows rose of their own volition and he was sure he was sporting a rather dumb expression, but Rodney’s behavior and sudden change of topic had caught him completely off guard. Who would have thought that Rodney believed in soul-mates and all that came with it? He still regularly declared medicine to be nothing more than voodoo and the soft sciences to be completely useless. How could someone as rational as Rodney believe in love at first sight and finding the other half of your soul? This just went against everything John thought he knew about Rodney. 

“This sounds like you’re speaking from experience,” John said, carefully. He hoped his voice sounded as non-judgmental as possible. John highly doubted that there even was such a thing as love at first sight and for all he knew his soul was perfectly fine without the sappy, touchy-feely stuff that came with finding the one person that was supposed to make you feel whole. A few beers with his best friend on the pier would do just as nicely, thank you very much. 

But that didn’t mean Rodney didn’t truly believe in soul-mates, love at first sight and the prefect union until the end of your natural life – and possible afterlife. He was certainly acting as if he knew what he was talking about. Or at least as if he could relate to the longing for a soul-mate. 

Rodney sighed again, shoulders slumping. He looked down at his folded hands avoiding John’s eyes on purpose. “Yeah, I guess I do. I know what it’s like to have your soul-mate right under your nose, so damn close all the time, and not being able to do anything about it. It hurts.” He sounded small and defeated and John regretted having said anything at all in the first place. 

“I’m sorry, buddy,” John said sincerely and hesitantly reached over to rub Rodney‘s shoulder. Rodney flinched as if John had struck him. What the hell?

“I don’t need your pity,” Rodney said tonelessly, still not looking John in the eyes. “You don’t even believe in love at first sight or soul-mates. You don’t get what I’m talking about.” 

John sighed. “I don’t pity you, Rodney. Stop being an ass. Yeah I don’t believe in that kind of stuff but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist and is happening for you. It just sucks that your soul-mate is so oblivious.” John tried to find the right words that would help Rodney fix the crappy situation. It wasn’t easy, considering that he had no idea what it felt like to have a soul-mate. 

“Yeah, no kidding,” Rodney huffed and covered his face with his hands for a moment. He suddenly looked and sounded completely defeated. 

“Have you tried talking to her? She’s here on Atlantis, right? You said she’s right under your nose, so I’m assuming that she’s one of your scientists. This whole…” John waved his hands about, searching for words; more than just a little disheartened that Rodney still refused to look at him. “…this whole soul-mate thing is supposed to be mutual though, right? It’s a two way street. So she should be in love with you as well, she just … denies it? Doesn’t recognize it? Whatever it is, maybe she just needs someone to point it out to her?”

Rodney made a sound that was half laugh and half sob and murmured, “If only it were that easy.”

But John would have none of it. This was his best friend being miserable and he hadn’t even known it. He hadn’t had a clue how much Rodney was suffering all the time. But now that he knew, John would do everything in his power to make Rodney happy, even if it hurt to imagine Rodney settling down with that soul-mate of his. But Rodney deserved to be happy, he deserved that kind of love and if John could help making Rodney happy, he would.

“Come on, Rodney there has to be something we can do; something that gets her to think. Maybe I could talk to her. I’m your best friend; I know all of your positive traits. I bet she’s just shy or something. You do tend to intimidate your staff a lot. Maybe her feelings for you confuse her.” 

Rodney jumped up from the couch at John’s words and started to pace the length of the room angrily. “For Christ’s sake, John would you leave it alone.” Rodney snapped. “It’s not one of my staff and it’s not a woman. Yes, soul-mates are in love with each other, they are each other’s perfect fit. But that doesn’t mean that they automatically have to acknowledge that they’ve found their soul-mate. There’s no rule that says they have to do anything at all about it. If they’re even aware of it, that is.”

John needed a moment to process what Rodney had just told him. It wasn’t a woman Rodney was convinced was his soul-mate. It was a man. John had never even entertained the possibility of Rodney not settling down with a woman. After Katie, Jennifer and Sam it was hard to miss the pattern. The realization that Rodney was in love with another man hit John like a kick to the stomach. 

“So it’s one of my Marines then?” John asked, not liking how raw his voice suddenly sounded. He cleared his throat, trying to get his brain to work, to provide a solution for Rodney’s dilemma. “Maybe he’s just not sure how to broach the topic? Maybe he’s not even out yet? I mean, none of my men are homophobic or anything, but this whole soul-mate thing is pretty new. Even though DADT has been gone for a while now he might just have a problem with the general idea of being in a same sex relationship? Maybe he’s just confused about his feelings?” John had no idea what he was talking about but he’d be damned if he gave Rodney the idea that there was something wrong with being in love with a guy. 

Rodney gave a hollow laugh. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants, his shoulders slumped. He walked closer to John, but kept his eyes on the floor not meeting John’s gaze. “Not even out - yeah that’s him alright. I don’t think he’s confused though. In denial at best, but really, I don’t think there’s anything at all I can do. I can’t very well go to him and say, ‘Oh by the way, you’re my soul-mate that means you’re supposed to be in love with me. Guess you didn’t get the memo.’” Rodney’s gaze flicked up to meet John’s, before dropping down to the floor again, his voice full of hurt and resignation as he said, “You’d punch me and never talk to me again if I did that. So excuse me if I’m not taking any risks here.”

John blinked. He needed the last five minutes rewound and played back at half speed. Had Rodney just said that he’d think John would punch him? Somehow that didn’t make much sense unless …

“What did you just say?” John asked, feeling lightheaded and slightly dizzy. Something wasn’t going according to plan here. Maybe it had just been a poor choice of words on Rodney’s part. Of course Rodney hadn’t meant him, specifically, when he’d said that he’d not risk… John’s thoughts got all jumbled as he desperately tried to figure out if this had been a Freudian slip on Rodney’s part or merely poor wording from a man who was emotionally and physically exhausted. 

Rodney looked at him then, clearly confused. “What? What part do you mean? I said that I think he’s not confused but in denial. And that I wouldn’t risk talking to him about it because I don’t think he’d take it all that well and would most likely punch me. He doesn’t exactly believe in the whole soul-mate thing.”

“No, that’s not what you said, Rodney,” John corrected. His heart was beating wildly and his palms got sweaty. This couldn’t be happening, could it? Rodney hadn’t felt the same, stupid, irrational thing all those years back in Antarctica that he’d felt, himself. It wasn’t possible. There was no such thing as love at first sight. Or was there?

“Of course that’s what I said,” Rodney protested angrily. “Haven’t you been listening? Is this some kind of joke to you?” There was hurt written all over his face and the first traces of panic. Rodney was most likely trying to remember his exact words. Well, John could help out with that. 

“No joke. You said that I would punch you and never talk to you again. Not ‘him’, not someone else, me, Rodney. You were talking about me.” John ducked his head and rubbed his neck, feeling like someone had pulled the ground from under his feet. He was so out of his depth here it wasn’t even funny. 

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Rodney snapped defensively. He turned around and picked up the discarded soda can and a candy wrapper, dropping them into the empty popcorn bowl. John watched him as he swiftly and efficiently pulled up walls John hadn’t seen him hide behind for years. It wouldn’t be long before Rodney brought out the big guns - sarcasm, anger, his sharp tongue, and a whole lot of arrogant bluster. John wondered briefly if anyone had ever told Rodney that his expressive eyes gave away all of his true feelings not matter what his words might say. 

“If you’re all done humiliating me, I’m going to bed. It’s nice to know my emotional pain is such a great source of entertainment for you. Never thought you’d stoop so low as to ridicule me for being in love with someone I can’t have. Some friend you are.” And there was the defense mechanism. John suddenly felt like the stupidest person in the whole Pegasus galaxy. 

Rodney picked up the popcorn bowl and made his way to the door, mouth tilted downwards unhappily on one side. John silently begged Atlantis to not open the door and moved, then, hand landing on Rodney’s shoulder from behind. Rodney flinched but didn’t shrug him off. 

“Rodney, wait. We need to talk about this,” John said, knowing how surreal these words must sound to Rodney, coming out of his mouth. John was the champion of not-talking. But he knew that this was too important to let his insecurities and fears ruin everything. He couldn’t let this go – not when there was a very real chance at happiness for them.

“No, we really don’t,” Rodney disagreed, voice broken and thin. He didn’t turn around to look at John either. He just stood there looking utterly defeated. In a way he looked as if John had actually delivered that blow Rodney had feared would be coming. 

“When?” John asked softly, ignoring Rodney’s protest. “When did you fall in love with me, Rodney?” Suddenly John needed to know if Rodney had felt the same as he had, at the same time. He needed the proof that this was the real deal. That somehow they actually were meant to be. 

Rodney hung his head and said, “When you sat down in the chair in Antarctica. You were all cocky smile and flyboy attitude. When did you think it happened? What part of ‘first sight’ is so hard for you to understand?” Rodney sounded bitter and absolutely exhausted. Like even saying the words was taking a huge effort on his part. John wanted to wrap him up in his arms and never let go again.

“Jesus, Rodney. That was six years ago. You’ve lived this way for six years and never said a single word? You didn’t even give me a hint. Nothing – not even when they announced the existence of soul-mates. You must have known what happened back then. You could have said something, dammit.” John knew accusing Rodney wasn’t the smart thing to do but he couldn’t’ help but think that he might have opened his eyes and admitted his feelings for Rodney earlier if he had known that Rodney was feeling the same. Mutual attraction instead of some incurable, one-sided crush that had morphed into a deep seated ache in his chest at what he couldn’t have. 

Rodney didn’t seem to like John’s take on the topic either and spun round, shoving John’s chest roughly. “I could have said something? Seriously? I should have told you that I am in love with you while you were part of a homophobic, backwards institution that would have court-martialed you for being with a guy? I should have told you that I’m in love with you when you were sleeping your way through the whole fucking Pegasus galaxy like it was some sort of sport you could win a medal for? I wasn’t even sure that you felt anything at all for me, until the whole soul-mate thing came out. And even after that you never looked at me as something other than your ‘best friend’.”Rodney air quoted.

There was pain written all over him and John wondered how he hadn’t seen this before. He hadn’t even gotten a glimpse of how much he must have hurt Rodney just by being near him and not giving any indication that he felt anything but friendship for him. They’d both been way too good at hiding their feelings, it seemed. 

“You saw the fucking videos, John. You saw how I called for you and no-one else when that stupid parasite turned my brain to jelly. It was you, always you. It wasn’t Keller, who I was supposedly in love with. It wasn’t even Jeannie – my sister who I should have remembered best because I’ve known her all of my life. But no, I stupidly, foolishly cried for you, came to you, sought you out at all times of the day. What more did you need? A neon sign above my fucking head?” Rodney was red faced and panting now. He looked like he was about to collapse and only rage and his well known stubbornness were keeping him upright still. 

“God, Rodney, I’m sorry. I’m such an idiot. I didn’t … I didn’t think you’d want me that way. I thought that this was just me, falling in love with the wrong guy again. It wouldn’t have been the first time, either.” And if that wasn’t the understatement of the century. John’s life was nothing but denial and compartmentalizing and learning to live with the pain of unrequited love. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have enough practice with that. 

“Yes well, I think we have established that you are the master of denial and distraction. That’s another reason why I was never gonna say anything. Who am I to threaten your happy, comfy place? It’s not as if your pain over not being able to be with your true love was eating you up inside or anything. You were comfortable with us being best friends, John,” Rodney said, bitterly. He turned his head away, avoiding John’s gaze. “I’m not so much of an asshole to pressure you into admitting feelings you didn’t even want to have in the first place. So yeah, I took what you were willing to give and tried to be content with it. Sue me.” 

When Rodney tried to turn away from him again, probably to make another start for the door, John grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him in. Rodney stumbled against him, almost banging their heads together, but John’s quick reflexes prevented any damage. John’s head suddenly spun from Rodney’s closeness, the warmth seeping into him where their bodies were pressed against each other, Rodney’s scent familiar and intoxicating and just utterly perfect. 

“There, that’s better,” John murmured, fed up with the complicated, exhausting talk. He hated talking about his feelings and was convinced actions spoke louder than words, anyway. Rodney’s eyes were huge and moist in his pale face, confusion and hurt still written all over his face. As if his big brain hadn’t quite caught up with what was happening, yet. 

John decided to go for broke. He dipped his head and brushed his lips against Rodney’s tenderly, not really sure how Rodney would react to being kissed by the man he thought had no desire to be with him. Rodney didn’t resist, didn’t push him away, but didn’t really participate, either. He just let his eyes fall closed and all but melted into John’s embrace. 

John slipped his right hand into the hair at Rodney’s neck and pulled him even closer, deepening the kiss. Rodney made a sound in the back of his throat that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh, pulling back slightly. John’s breath caught. Would Rodney reject him? When Rodney finally slid one arm around his waist, the other coming to rest at the small of John’s back, John leaned his forehead against Rodney’s and relaxed. 

“Care to explain what just happened?” Rodney whispered and John could feel the slight tremor that was running through his body. Rodney had to be completely out of it. John felt like he’d been put through the wringer himself. Not even training with Teyla left him feeling that shaky and exhausted. 

“Well, I think I just kissed my soul-mate for the first time,” John replied softly. Would Rodney believe John’s sudden acceptance of their status or would he fight it, question it, maybe even question John’s sincerity? “He happens to be my best friend, too.” John added, hoping to defuse the tension that he could feel building in Rodney’s shoulders. 

“Huh. Is that so?” Rodney asked, eyebrows rising. He didn’t sound upset or even really confused, just slightly curious. “I thought you didn’t believe in soul-mates and love at first sight. How do you know he’s really your soul-mate?” John knew what Rodney was really asking. Was this for real? Or was John just playing with him? Was John gonna turn tail and run at the first occasion when things got rough?

“Ah yes. Funny thing, that. You know, I think I have to thank him for realizing that, actually. You see, I’ve been in love with him for years, but never even told him. First I couldn’t admit it and later I had convinced myself that there is no such thing as love at first sight and he wouldn’t want me that way, anyway. What can I say? I’ve never been the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to relationships.” John held his breath. This was it. He’d admitted that he was responsible for Rodney suffering for nothing for years on end. 

Rodney broke out in a huge grin and tightened his grip on John, “It’s a good thing he’s the smartest man in two galaxies, then. I’m sure he can forgive you that it took you a little longer to come round.” His smile faltered and he looked into John’s eyes, insecurity and pain back in his gaze. “If you’re sure about the whole soul-mate thing, that is.”

John’s heart broke at the insecurity evident in Rodney’s eyes. He knew it would take time and patience to really convince Rodney that he would be with him for good. Nothing and no one would drag him away from Rodney again. John had almost let his chance at happiness slip through his fingers – he was not gonna make that mistake again, ever. 

“I’m sure. I’ve never been surer about anything in my life. And I’m prepared to prove it,” John promised and the smile that lit up Rodney’s face was the most wonderful thing John had ever seen. “Forever, Rodney,” he clarified. 

“Forever?” Rodney echoed and laughed, pressing himself even closer to John and sending gooseflesh all over John’s body. “I can live with forever, I guess.” 

This time it was Rodney who started the kiss.


End file.
